XI.

"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen."

Decem.

"I breathe your name on every exhalation. "

-Synecdoche

Мне девять лет.

I ripped up the past year's entries in my journal. It was more symbolism than anything; just a ritual for my own sake, my own well being. I still won't forget one moment of the slums of my life. Regrets are high definition movies eternally playing inside our minds. (J. Comeau) I'd put quotations around the previous sentence, but it's not recited verbatim therefore quotation marks would have been inaccurate. I've digressed. Continuing: I have collected all the scraps of my life in a little Yu-Gi-Oh tin; I have not yet decided if I want to finish this ritual by burning them. Quick disposal. My other option is to throw away the box, shreds intact, as a means to get them out of my head. Go to a landfill, preserved. However, out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. I mean, either would work.

I have granted myself a fresh start. A clean slate. Redemption. A second chance. Whichever title you choose to associate with it. Although, I don't feel as if I've gained enough brownie points to even consider rewarding my self with another chance. Well, hell! I give out millionth chance to people who do not deserve it whatsoever, but who am I to decide if they do. Deserve it or not, that is. I mean, if they don't deserve it and are granted it, what makes myself any different. "Equality!" I will shout. I don't deserve to be equal.

Huit.

Anymore, I don't know anything. (I've always loved how Palahniuk does that. "Anymore, [Insert statement here]." As opposed to "I don't know anything anymore.") I said that aloud yesterday in Art. "Anymore, I don't know anything." This boy in my class, he heard and said, "Have you ever really known?" More just to comment than to strike any deeper meaning. It got me to thinking though, have I ever really known? Have I ever really been sure? I wish I could answer this.

Sieben.

There was something here, that made me cringe when I read it over.

여섯.

...And I want to play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps while you take a bath. And massage your neck and kiss your face hold your hand and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food. And meet you at "Rudy's" and talk about the day. Talk about your day. And laugh at your... Your paranoia! And give you tapes you don't listen to. Watch great films. Watch terrible films. And tell you about the TV program I saw the night before, and not laugh at your jokes. I want you in the morning. But let you sleep in for a while. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck, your tits, your ass! I sit on the steps smoking until your neighbors come home! Sit on the steps smoking until you come home. And worry when you’re late. And be amazed when you’re early. I give you sunflowers. And go to a party and dance. Be sorry when I’m wrong. And happy when you forgive me. Look at your photos, and wish I’d known you forever. Hearing your voice in my ear. Feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when your angry. I tell you you’re gorgeous! And hug you when you’re anxious. And hold you when you’re hurt. And want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you, and whimper… When I’m next to you. And whimper when I’m not. Dribble on your breast. Smother you in the night! And get cold when you take the blanket… And hot when you don’t! Melt when you smile. Dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I’m rejecting you. When I’m not rejecting you and wonder… How you could think I’d ever reject you. And wonder, who you are. But I accept you anyway. And tell you about the tree angel… Enchanted forest boy… Who flew across the ocean… Because he loved you. I buy you presents you don’t want. And take them away again. And ask you to marry me. And you say no, again. But keep on asking because you don’t… You don’t think I mean it. But I always have from the first time I asked you. I wander the city thinking. It’s empty without you, but I want what you want, I think… I’m losing myself. But but but! I’ll tell you the worst of me and try… To give you the best of me. Because… You don’t deserve any less. Answer your questions when I’d rather not. And tell you the truth… When I really don’t want to. And try to be honest! Because I know you prefer it. You think it’s all over but… Hang on for just ten more minutes. Before you throw me out of your life! Forget who I am! And let me try and get closer to you. And somehow… Somehow… Somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all encompassing, heart enriching, mind expanding, on going, never ending, love… I have for you.

Cinco.

click.

cold night, lonely fight.

shared bed, single head.

clean slate, it's too late.

stay with me, you'll barely be.

short one rhyme, i'm out of time.

Four.

Incoherent Ramblings between cephalopods:

Her

& I

9:25:02AM She left me with a broken heart.

9:25:19AM And took all my money

9:27:42AM And now the prom queen, the prom queen is outside of my door.

9:42:14AM The prom queen, he waited, and held a molotov.

9:55:07AM You never know how things might turn around.

9:55:55AM I asked him to come inside, he flew away instead.

10:00:50AM Turning. Turning. Sunflower scrapes.

10:02:54AM Flying high, though he had no wings like Icarus. Icarus had a soul to weigh him down, but you can fly high.

10:04:43AM You sway like the wind. Turning. Turning. Thin man.

10:06:15AM Lost man. God save my prom queen.

I'm not quite sure either.

Three.

I get lost in all you tell me. I'm not sure what to believe. I'm not sure how to feel. I'm not sure what to think. I'm so fucking scared with you.

Two.

I
need
to
learn
to
exhale.